The Adventures of
George W. Bush
President George Bush was leaning back in his desk, thinking about Condi Rice when the phone rang. His bodyguard Dick Cheney pointed his sniper at the phone and then slowly answered it.
"Hellooooo?" said Dick Cheney.
"Is the President there?" asked a mysterious voice.
"Yes he is, but you can't talk to him without official permission."
"Well, who are you?"
"I'm Vice President Dick Cheney."
"Listen, Dick: I've kidnapped Laura Bush. If you or Bush want to see her again, you'll get the President to leave one million dollars under the bench in Dewnut Park. Got it?"
Cheney shot the phone.
"Who was it?" asked Bush absentmindedly.
"George, I'm afraid we're going to have to go undercover for a while," replied Cheney solemnly. "Laura's been kidnapped."
After they changed into their bullet-proof jumpsuits and got their extra-special super snipers, they jumped in their limo and sped noisily to the park. Bush fished a billion dollar bill out of his pocket. "Got change?" he asked, and Cheney gave it to him. Then they placed it under the bench. Then they sat on the bench, guns ready.
"This way, if one of 'em tries to take it, we'll shoot 'em down." said Cheney.
After about an hour, they began to grow bored. Bush fell asleep. Cheney started shooting birds, squirrels, and passersby for fun.
"Listen, Dick," said Bush, "Don't think I'm not gettin' a kick outta this, I am, but I got a hot date with Condi Rice and I should be goin' soon."
"You go ahead and do that," said Cheney. "I'll guard the money."
Bush walked down Dewnut street, thinking about Condi Rice. Once he had walked about five blocks, a man grabbed him, jerked the gun out of his hands, and pulled him violently into an empty alley.
"You fool," snarled the man, "Laura will die tonight."
"Hey," said Bush, "We put the money where you said to!"
"Maybe it would have been a little more convenient if you and Cheney hadn't been sitting on top of it with guns," said the mysterious man, who strangely resembled Ralph Nader. "But it doesn't matter now. I'm taking you to the boss."
"Who's the boss?" asked Bush stupidly, but the man didn't answer.
Soon they got to a dirty, wooden door. The man pushed it and it slowly creaked open.
"Come in," said a familiar voice.
"Condi Rice!" gasped Bush stupidly, getting his first good look at "The Boss".
"That's right," said Rice evilly. "It was me all along. Let me show you my master scheme. But first, I believe you have someone to meet..."
She gestured to a figure who was tied up and gagged in a chair.
"Laura!" gasped Bush stupidly.
"Mpph mpph MPPPH mpph!" said Laura, which translated to: "Never date women when you're already married, you idiot!"
"How nice," said Rice. "Now I'll show you my plans of world domination."
Bush gasped. "You'll never get away with this!" he yelled. "No one but me is evil enough to do something like that!"
"I'm plenty evil," said Rice defensively. "Look, George. See this button?" she gestured to a red button mounted on the wall. "When I push this, the entire world blows up. Isn't it genius?" she started to cackle.
"M-M Mpph Mpph Mpph?" said Laura, which translated to: "Wouldn't you blow up to?"
"You're right... But don't worry. I'll think of something to avoid that."
"Condi! What has driven you to this... lowly state?"
"Who cares," she said. "Tie him up!" she ordered to the mysterious man.
Suddenly, the door was kicked open and in stepped Dick Cheney with his gun.
"Drop your weapons!" he screamed. "You two! Over there!" he gestured to the corner of the room.
"Cheney, if you don't drop that gun, I'll push this button and the whole world will explode!" snarled Rice.
"NOO!!!" screamed Bush. He charged into Rice and the mysterious man, and they fell over. Then Bush saw the button. It was pointless if no one ever pressed it. He didn't know why he was even considering it.
"Don't push the button, George! If you push it, we'll all die!" screamed Rice.
"Don't push the button!" screamed Cheney.
"Don't push the button!" screamed the mysterious man.
"Mpph mpph m mpph-mpph!" screamed Laura, which translated to "Don't push the button!"
Bush ran his finger over the button's surface. He contemplated all the people who would die.
But temptation over came him.
He pushed the button.
BOOM!!!
The End